There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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