Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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