i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
