I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
