hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
