I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize