When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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