She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
no you cant smoke seaweed
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
