I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
So squirting runs in the family.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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