if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
