she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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