If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
