So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
