She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Randomize
