i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
