There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
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