I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
