She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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