Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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