Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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