so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
