I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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