I queefed so loud it echoed.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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