I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
