So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
