First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
