I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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