He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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