Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
