You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
please don't ironically join a cult
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