cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
