just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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