I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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