I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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