thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
