If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
