Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
