When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
