why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
