Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
