Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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