dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
