I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
