So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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