i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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