I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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