The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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