I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
