Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
