Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
