why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
