if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
