Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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