i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I feel like abortions should bother me more
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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