god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize