this just has baby written all over it
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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