don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize