The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
