He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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