She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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