You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
