And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
