shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
everyone is single if you try hard enough
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize