If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
